Garlic's Food Clinic

"Coal fire
I got coal fire
I got coal fire
And we ain't got no water"

Labels: general circulation models, KEYWORDS: temperature, precipitation

Perhaps.

Why haven't we updated this, Kazza?



Dave adds: "For my part, is it because I don't exist?"

Hrumph. A fine admission.





Dinky adds: "Or is it because my account got erased by this blasted new 'Google' Blogger system. They really should have stuck with FORTRAN, if you ask me. (I arguably also don't exist either - at least in the sentient sense - but that excuse appears to have gone already.)"

But do they ask you, Dinky? Are these 19 or 20 posts the extent of our genius?

Or is it because we've been dead for years?

Is this our sleepy, unfrequented tomb? Is that the extant of our genius? (Oh damn, apparently extant isn't a noun.)

Dave protests: "It hardly seems fair to die without ever having lived."

Or have I just completely run out of ideas?

Well that probably doesn't matter anymore, because we finally have that digital camera! Prepare for an endless stream of cat/baby/Tommy's first day at school/"soccer" match photos!




(Is this what the tomb looked like during the 19th century?)

Dear All,

It's Dave here, and I'm presenting our 2006 report. I'd like to say a particular "hello" to anyone who doesn't really know us, and couldn't care less what we've been doing. Don't worry - we'll send you another report next year. Anyway, what a year it's been...

First of all, I'd like to be the first to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. If you're preparing to celebrate that great holiday with the giving of gifts, you might like to consider that if pointless mass market tatt and nick-nacks didn't exist, we'd probably have invented them.

Dinky hit the top of the charts in seventeen countries in November with his re-release of The Look of Love by ABC. He even managed to dislodge the Scorpions' Wind of Change in Germany, which had been number one there since 1991. (It has since returned to the top.) Sadly, the royalties deal we signed was terrible, so not much to show for it.

On the science side, Hugo devised an equation of the form y = ax + b that explains all phenomena in the physical universe. He is now planning to spend more time gardening and with his philanthropic projects (which of course he never utters a word about).

That pretty much wraps up this year's round-up. I've not been up to much myself. There's only the twisted ankle I got chasing that cat for its photo. I would like to comment on this blog, though. Here at GFC, we've always been among the first to embrace new technology. I've got a SONY WALKMAN and a dot-matrix printer, and we adopted the steam engine before even the Romans had them. Still, the lack of a digital cameras is a shortcoming. If we had one, we could show you even more of just how well the kids have been doing at school, my championship winning rally car and the new GFC foundation centre for disadvantaged children. (I did have one of those disposable cameras from Boots, but I broke it trying to get the ill-fated cat photo.)

Anyway - I've got to go and shovel some more coal into the generator. Hear from you soon, I hope.

D.A.

(Hope that was obnoxious enough for you.)

Will there be any excuse made for or any mention of the two month intermission?

No. No there will not.

Indeed! Surely we are to expect some kind of apology?

No, there will be no apology of any kind whatsoever. You ought to thank me.

But I was so looking forward to the results from BLOG ROBOT.

Nonsense.

At this point, Dinky adds:

"Hi, Dinky here. Look, all we were going to do was make some lame jokes based around the 'fun' you can have by contrasting very different phrases that can fit into the same sentence. This sometimes produces silly combinations. For example, instead of:

"During the lunch hour, Dolly and I got down to the latest tunes from Natasha Bedingfield."

consider:

"During the Cretan bronze age, Dolly and I got down to the latest tunes from Natasha Bedingfield."

or, if you like:

"During the lunch hour, Dolly and I got down to the latest tunes from J. S. Bach."

(Again, this would probably be funnier if it was a sixties prog-rock band, or something, but we don't know any.)

Quite frankly, it was more effort than it was worth. Oh, and the other thing I was going to mention was that pushing the sliders to their limits causes some really strange things to happen. For example, dragging the right-on-ness slider all the way to the right will cause BLOG ROBOT to print

It's just political correctness gone mad.

every four sentences. There - look I've pretty much done it all anyway now. Don't you know I've got seasonal vegetables to get in?

siyanora,

Dinky"

Thanks for rescuing me there, Dinky. Sorry - i was getting a bit ragged for a moment, wasn't I.

Say, did anyone get one of those round robin letters over Christmas telling you how perfect someone else's family is? Who you probably barely know? Yes... that's what we'll do. We'll let you know how we've been getting on. Now, *that* you need to see.

If you live in the United States, then thanksgiving is coming up in a few weeks.

Canadian thanksgiving is different, of course, and has already passed. I celebrated that. We had a turducken. It was fantastic. For American thanksgiving, however, a different approach is appropriate, and I, for one, would like to have a turducken.

What is a turducken? In case you don't know, it's the only invertebrate mammal. It's natural habitat is Louisiana, although it's perfectly happy to sit around in the fridge for a couple of days. The turducken I had for Canadian thanksgiving looked like this:


Once out of the oven, it bears a resemblance to a de-boned turkey stuffed with a de-boned duck stuffed with a de-boned chicken with bits of sausage and cajun seasoning.


Now, some people erroneously believe that some people erroneously believe that famous American football personality John Madden himself invented turducken. Those people are in the wrong. John Madden did indeed create the first turducken in a genetic engineering experiment in his warehouse in Oakland, California. In an exclusive interview for GFC, John commented, "that's big time football!"



Big John Madden

In agreement with him was ex-Newcastle United manager Kevin Keegan, who added, "I firmly believe that Robert Lee is the best midfielder in the country."

Hugo - I think it's worth pointing out some of the arguments in favour of software like BLOG ROBOT.

I suppose the naysayers and moaning minnies will be up-in-arms, as usual. They will clamour that software like BLOG ROBOT robs blogging of creativity and of individuality. Some will even claim that the essence of the blog is the personal platform it provides for airing views and sharing one's life experiences. For the sake of argument, let us say that we concede these things in theory. For me, however, this is all besides the point.

What's important is the coming digital revolution. Internet penetration is empowering people all over the world to think and communicate in new ways. It's creating a flat world (although not in the same sense as I meant in an earlier post). A world, however, in which not all of us have the time, inclination, technical ability, or, in some cases, the financial wherewithal to blog. That's where I think BLOG ROBOT comes in. Easy-to-use, blog writing software will make blogging accessible to anyone. Standardised content will cut down on the need to read blogs, eventually eliminating not only the need for bloggers to write, but also for others to read the stuff themselves. (This last point has got to be an advantage in developing countries, where computers may be difficult to come by.)

I feel strongly that we should support BLOG ROBOT - whatever our personal feelings towards WR:TW may be.

And to think... We'll be able to say in years to come, "you saw it first on GFC."

I also believe this significantly improves our chances of getting an audition for the upcoming "I'm a Celebrity Blogger, get me out of here".

Dave

Some good news: today, I received an email from Natalia Wurnz, the editor of WR:TW. They've offered to help us "improve" (her word) our blog by beta-testing their new BLOG ROBOT - the software that writes your blog for you. I've decided to accept the offered olive branch (although WR:TW still insist that our review will remain as originally published). As soon as we get it uploaded (the CD's in the post, apparently) then we'll give it a test drive.

I'm pleased to be able to say that Dinky will be turning his expert eye to the new software for us. In an upcoming serialisation (a bit like Quantum Leap or Vanity Fair), he will discuss the BLOG ROBOT code, its operation and present some results.

Personally, I'm a little sceptical about the idea. Specifically, I imagine that we've been asked to try this out because no one else will. All the same, we're going to give it a go.

It's been a while since we've posted, but I can assure everyone that we've been working hard, and that we've got some, might I be so bold as to say, fantastic content coming soon - much of it delivered through sentences as long as, or even longer than, this one.

In the meantime, it's gives me great pleasure to announce that we're re-mixing and re-releasing a popular single of yesteryear to promote GFC. After a considerable amount of effort, we identified four candidates, based on topicality, catchiness, relevance to the UK garage scene and the possibility of people making fun of us at the bus stop. After a little more thought, we abandoned that list and based our choices solely on the price of the royalties. That second list in full, then:

• You oughtta know by Alanis Morissette
• The look of love by ABC
• Happy birthday by Stevie Wonder
• Up where we belong performed by Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes

In the end, because we thought it would be least humiliating to perform, and because Dave obviously misunderstood the cultural significance of Happy Birthday, we plumped for ABC.

I was very pleased to find out that, thanks to the wonders of modern technology, we could avoid re-recording the video by having our likenesses digitally introduced into the old film. Here, for example, is a still from the original showing Martin Fry (on the right) with his three bandmates.


And here's the equivalent still from the new, digitally remastered, video with Dinky in the same role.


The effect really is remarkable, I think you'll agree. Again, below we see (at left) Martin Fry from the original publicity material, and (at right) Dinky in the same role.