Garlic's Food Clinic

Coal Fire

2007-06-23T16:15:00.000-07:00

"Coal fire
I got coal fire
I got coal fire
And we ain't got no water"

sang Lee Perry more than 30 years ago. A wonderful tribute to one of nature's wonders: coal has been the backbone of our industrial civilisation. There was an entire genre - coal music - dedicated to its glorification. I cannot help remembering greats such as Sam Coke and Smokey Robinson with a (smog assisted) tear. But what now? What of coal's fall from grace? My question is: why is there so much negativity surrounding the use of fossil fuels?

"Another question is, is it possible to build an entire post from this very weak soul/coal pun?"

If you'll excuse me, Dinky, I'm trying to build up a head of steam here. So to speak.

Coal, oil and town gas were good enough for our parents' generation. Why are they so "out" all of a sudden? Geological evidence suggests that coal has been a part of our everyday lives for the past 350 million years. Surely we should be celebrating our heritage, not sweeping it under the carpet.

I read that environmentalists quoted by the BBC had the temerity to suggest that owning a private jet (admittedly a 750 seat Airbus A380 superjumbo) was like "buying a filthy coal-fired power station just to use to charge up your mobile phone." Woah, woah, woah! What's with the filthy dig? What's with the contrasting the supposedly trendy mobile telephone gadget of today with a coal-fired power station? I can still remember a time when a lump of coal was the coolest possible thing to be seen with. OK, I made that bit up. Anyway, you can read the story here:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/6768237.stm

We would appreciate our readers writing to the BBC to formally protest their decision not to seek balance in their article by canvassing the views of a supporter of fossil fuel burning. We will be doing the same.

Lee Perry's mixing console at the Black Ark was well-known to be powered by a separate coal-fired power station.

Meanwhile, watch out for our new range of branded t-shirts, badges and hats supporting the burning of coal, oil and gas. We hope to get some prototype designs out in the next few weeks.

Coal fire... It's burning, burning, burning in my soul.

Dave

What are we now, chopped liver?

2007-04-23T21:33:00.000-07:00

Perhaps.

Why haven't we updated this, Kazza?

Dave adds: "For my part, is it because I don't exist?"

Hrumph. A fine admission.

Dinky adds: "Or is it because my account got erased by this blasted new 'Google' Blogger system. They really should have stuck with FORTRAN, if you ask me. (I arguably also don't exist either - at least in the sentient sense - but that excuse appears to have gone already.)"

But do they ask you, Dinky? Are these 19 or 20 posts the extent of our genius?

Or is it because we've been dead for years?

Is this our sleepy, unfrequented tomb? Is that the extant of our genius? (Oh damn, apparently extant isn't a noun.)

Dave protests: "It hardly seems fair to die without ever having lived."

Or have I just completely run out of ideas?

Well that probably doesn't matter anymore, because we finally have that digital camera! Prepare for an endless stream of cat/baby/Tommy's first day at school/"soccer" match photos!

(Is this what the tomb looked like during the 19th century?)

GFC 2006 Report

2007-02-28T21:03:00.000-08:00

Dear All,

It's Dave here, and I'm presenting our 2006 report. I'd like to say a particular "hello" to anyone who doesn't really know us, and couldn't care less what we've been doing. Don't worry - we'll send you another report next year. Anyway, what a year it's been...

First of all, I'd like to be the first to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. If you're preparing to celebrate that great holiday with the giving of gifts, you might like to consider that if pointless mass market tatt and nick-nacks didn't exist, we'd probably have invented them.

Dinky hit the top of the charts in seventeen countries in November with his re-release of The Look of Love by ABC. He even managed to dislodge the Scorpions' Wind of Change in Germany, which had been number one there since 1991. (It has since returned to the top.) Sadly, the royalties deal we signed was terrible, so not much to show for it.

On the science side, Hugo devised an equation of the form y = ax + b that explains all phenomena in the physical universe. He is now planning to spend more time gardening and with his philanthropic projects (which of course he never utters a word about).

That pretty much wraps up this year's round-up. I've not been up to much myself. There's only the twisted ankle I got chasing that cat for its photo. I would like to comment on this blog, though. Here at GFC, we've always been among the first to embrace new technology. I've got a SONY WALKMAN and a dot-matrix printer, and we adopted the steam engine before even the Romans had them. Still, the lack of a digital cameras is a shortcoming. If we had one, we could show you even more of just how well the kids have been doing at school, my championship winning rally car and the new GFC foundation centre for disadvantaged children. (I did have one of those disposable cameras from Boots, but I broke it trying to get the ill-fated cat photo.)

Anyway - I've got to go and shovel some more coal into the generator. Hear from you soon, I hope.

D.A.

(Hope that was obnoxious enough for you.)

January

2007-01-14T21:26:00.000-08:00

Will there be any excuse made for or any mention of the two month intermission?

No. No there will not.

Indeed! Surely we are to expect some kind of apology?

No, there will be no apology of any kind whatsoever. You ought to thank me.

But I was so looking forward to the results from BLOG ROBOT.

Nonsense.

At this point, Dinky adds:

"Hi, Dinky here. Look, all we were going to do was make some lame jokes based around the 'fun' you can have by contrasting very different phrases that can fit into the same sentence. This sometimes produces silly combinations. For example, instead of:

"During the lunch hour, Dolly and I got down to the latest tunes from Natasha Bedingfield."

consider:

"During the Cretan bronze age, Dolly and I got down to the latest tunes from Natasha Bedingfield."

or, if you like:

"During the lunch hour, Dolly and I got down to the latest tunes from J. S. Bach."

(Again, this would probably be funnier if it was a sixties prog-rock band, or something, but we don't know any.)

Quite frankly, it was more effort than it was worth. Oh, and the other thing I was going to mention was that pushing the sliders to their limits causes some really strange things to happen. For example, dragging the right-on-ness slider all the way to the right will cause BLOG ROBOT to print

It's just political correctness gone mad.

every four sentences. There - look I've pretty much done it all anyway now. Don't you know I've got seasonal vegetables to get in?

siyanora,

Dinky"

Thanks for rescuing me there, Dinky. Sorry - i was getting a bit ragged for a moment, wasn't I.

Say, did anyone get one of those round robin letters over Christmas telling you how perfect someone else's family is? Who you probably barely know? Yes... that's what we'll do. We'll let you know how we've been getting on. Now, *that* you need to see.

Turducken

2006-11-01T21:03:00.000-08:00

If you live in the United States, then thanksgiving is coming up in a few weeks.

Canadian thanksgiving is different, of course, and has already passed. I celebrated that. We had a turducken. It was fantastic. For American thanksgiving, however, a different approach is appropriate, and I, for one, would like to have a turducken.

What is a turducken? In case you don't know, it's the only invertebrate mammal. It's natural habitat is Louisiana, although it's perfectly happy to sit around in the fridge for a couple of days. The turducken I had for Canadian thanksgiving looked like this:

Once out of the oven, it bears a resemblance to a de-boned turkey stuffed with a de-boned duck stuffed with a de-boned chicken with bits of sausage and cajun seasoning.

Now, some people erroneously believe that some people erroneously believe that famous American football personality John Madden himself invented turducken. Those people are in the wrong. John Madden did indeed create the first turducken in a genetic engineering experiment in his warehouse in Oakland, California. In an exclusive interview for GFC, John commented, "that's big time football!"

Big John Madden

In agreement with him was ex-Newcastle United manager Kevin Keegan, who added, "I firmly believe that Robert Lee is the best midfielder in the country."

Little Kevin Keegan
(or that's what my mum calls him, anyway)

Blog robot - part two

2006-10-31T20:33:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone,

Sorry I've left it so long to continue my treatise on BLOG ROBOT. I've not had much time lately. It could be because I've been busy getting in the seasonal vegetables at the shop, or it could be because I'm a figment of someone's imagination, and they've not had much time lately. Either way, this is the first chance I've had.

Anyway, it's time to get down to business, and actually fire-up BLOG ROBOT and see how it works. After you shove the disquette into the drive, there's a bit of whirring and we see the opening screen, which invites us to LOAD or GENERATE a "BLOGGER PROFILE". (If you've got the compact cassette version, you'll find it takes around five or six minutes to get to this stage.) I hit GENERATE and we move on. (There are a number of preset profiles that ship with BLOG ROBOT, including Beverley Craven, Terrell Owens and Genghis Khan. We will start afresh, however.) I'm now asked to delineate my general personality characteristics using a set of sliders that look like this:

The manual that accompanies BLOG ROBOT describes the sliders thus:

BLOG ROBOT's slider matrix allows you to choose from an incredible array of realistic and/or historical personalities!

Drag the HUBRIS SLIDER to adjust your degree of self-confidence. The slider runs from "unpleasant" to "completely unbearable".

How many art and craft projects do you have on the go? Perhaps you only knit a couple of jumpers per week? Set the PRODUCTIVITY SLIDER all the way to the left-hand side for "little". Alternatively, maybe you feel you mirror the industrial economy of a small country! In that case drag the slider over to "manufacturing plant" on the right.

What about your political motivation? If you like to share your views on the matters of the day (this is supposed to be a blog, after all!) then the RIGHT ON-NESS SLIDER is the slider for you. Of course, every blogger should be right on, but if you like to go out of your way, then slide that RIGHT ON-NESS SLIDER all the way over to the right! (Do you see what we've done there!?!)

Last of all, there's your level of vitriol - particularly for the squares, oldies and generally non-Davina McCall/Craig David-savvy individuals of the world (or nonDM/CDSIs, as we call them at WR:TW.) Drag the BILE SLIDER all the way over to "Roy Keane" to let 'em have it! (Note: this slider works particularly well in conjunction with the RIGHT ON-NESS SLIDER.)

Heavens. Still, despite all this, the manual assures us that:

Don't worry - if this is all too much work for you, or if you cannot find a CELEBRITY PROFILE to suit your needs. BLOG ROBOT's default personality is more than capable of producing sparkling blog entries.

Well, ok. Perhaps it's best if we just move on to the next screen while I take a few deep breaths.

Next up, I'm invited to choose what I'm into. Do I like to knit, crochet, sew, weld, "hang out with my friends", snorkel, hang glide or something else? What football team do I support, Arsenal, Tottenham, Chelsea or West Ham, or am I happy just to support the highest placed London club? To be fair to WR:TW there really are a lot of choices, and if there are sufficient routines in the code to generate realistic story lines around them, then I'm impressed. (Crucially, this screen doesn't allow me to specify anything that qualifies as taste rather than simple interest. Taste - particularly in music and books, of course - is factory set by WR:TW.)

And now I'm ready to go! Next time we find out what happened when I pressed BEGIN. I confess, I'm so excited that it may be as little as another month before I write again.

Dinky

Blog robot - part one

2006-09-27T01:09:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone,

It's taken me a little time to get this together, but I'm now ready to begin my report on WR:TW's BLOG ROBOT. (Not least, I had to check the status of my court order - apparently it's fine for me to review other people's code...)

I'm going to be dividing my report into three sections. Today, I'm going to discuss technical aspects of the software and its implementation. If you're not a web developer you might want to skip this. In my next post, I'll run through how to use the code on your blog. Finally, the third installment will provide some examples of the results. I hope you enjoy my commentary, and that it helps you decide whether BLOG ROBOT is for you. (Obviously, I think BLOG ROBOT is a cretinous waste of time, but I'm going to try to stay objective.)

OK...

From the coding point of view, I'm afraid I find little or anything innovative. As is increasingly the case with multi-author software produced by a largeish company, BLOG ROBOT relies on a suite of standard routines bolted together. Random number generation relies on the computer's internal clock and user key presses. That's about it, really. No attempt is made to optimise the code for home computer operation, although such sloppiness hardly matters these days with the speed of hardware being what it is.

I still remember the early days of webdesign - before even FORTRAN 77 - when pages were written in CPU specific assembler language. RAM and CPU speed were at a premium, so we often had to employ clever solutions. That was real design. Having written each individual statement onto punch cards, one would drop them into a reader and hope for no snags. On a longer piece of code, compiler errors could sometimes take 10 to 15 minutes to come back via the line printer. Oh, happy days. One wonders whether today's latte generation would have been able to handle it.

Anyway, I'm digressing - I have to take the wife to the optician's now (it turns out she couldn't tell the difference between myself and Martin Fry on the new Look of love video), so that's all until part two.

Dinky

Dawning of a new era

2006-09-16T23:15:00.000-07:00

Hugo - I think it's worth pointing out some of the arguments in favour of software like BLOG ROBOT.

I suppose the naysayers and moaning minnies will be up-in-arms, as usual. They will clamour that software like BLOG ROBOT robs blogging of creativity and of individuality. Some will even claim that the essence of the blog is the personal platform it provides for airing views and sharing one's life experiences. For the sake of argument, let us say that we concede these things in theory. For me, however, this is all besides the point.

What's important is the coming digital revolution. Internet penetration is empowering people all over the world to think and communicate in new ways. It's creating a flat world (although not in the same sense as I meant in an earlier post). A world, however, in which not all of us have the time, inclination, technical ability, or, in some cases, the financial wherewithal to blog. That's where I think BLOG ROBOT comes in. Easy-to-use, blog writing software will make blogging accessible to anyone. Standardised content will cut down on the need to read blogs, eventually eliminating not only the need for bloggers to write, but also for others to read the stuff themselves. (This last point has got to be an advantage in developing countries, where computers may be difficult to come by.)

I feel strongly that we should support BLOG ROBOT - whatever our personal feelings towards WR:TW may be.

And to think... We'll be able to say in years to come, "you saw it first on GFC."

I also believe this significantly improves our chances of getting an audition for the upcoming "I'm a Celebrity Blogger, get me out of here".

Dave

Blog robot

2006-09-16T11:32:00.000-07:00

Some good news: today, I received an email from Natalia Wurnz, the editor of WR:TW. They've offered to help us "improve" (her word) our blog by beta-testing their new BLOG ROBOT - the software that writes your blog for you. I've decided to accept the offered olive branch (although WR:TW still insist that our review will remain as originally published). As soon as we get it uploaded (the CD's in the post, apparently) then we'll give it a test drive.

I'm pleased to be able to say that Dinky will be turning his expert eye to the new software for us. In an upcoming serialisation (a bit like Quantum Leap or Vanity Fair), he will discuss the BLOG ROBOT code, its operation and present some results.

Personally, I'm a little sceptical about the idea. Specifically, I imagine that we've been asked to try this out because no one else will. All the same, we're going to give it a go.

We've got the look

2006-09-09T23:46:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since we've posted, but I can assure everyone that we've been working hard, and that we've got some, might I be so bold as to say, fantastic content coming soon - much of it delivered through sentences as long as, or even longer than, this one.

In the meantime, it's gives me great pleasure to announce that we're re-mixing and re-releasing a popular single of yesteryear to promote GFC. After a considerable amount of effort, we identified four candidates, based on topicality, catchiness, relevance to the UK garage scene and the possibility of people making fun of us at the bus stop. After a little more thought, we abandoned that list and based our choices solely on the price of the royalties. That second list in full, then:

You oughtta know by Alanis Morissette
The look of love by ABC
Happy birthday by Stevie Wonder
Up where we belong performed by Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes

In the end, because we thought it would be least humiliating to perform, and because Dave obviously misunderstood the cultural significance of Happy Birthday, we plumped for ABC.

I was very pleased to find out that, thanks to the wonders of modern technology, we could avoid re-recording the video by having our likenesses digitally introduced into the old film. Here, for example, is a still from the original showing Martin Fry (on the right) with his three bandmates.

And here's the equivalent still from the new, digitally remastered, video with Dinky in the same role.

The effect really is remarkable, I think you'll agree. Again, below we see (at left) Martin Fry from the original publicity material, and (at right) Dinky in the same role.

Pluto loses its planetary status

2006-08-31T21:43:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. Dave Antares here.

Yes.. Perhaps not the best publicity, but all publicity's good publicity, right?

Anyway, it's been a few days since our last post, my ankle's better, and so it's time to put drop some up-to-the-minute prose. What I have to say is topical, trendy and, above all, insightful and wise. Oh yes - switching to Sans Serif font for maximum impact...

Australian umpire Darrell Hair, already unpopular with the Pakistan cricket team, has been at it again. This time he cast the deciding vote at the International Astronomical Union, condemning Pluto to dwarf planet status.

Pluto (left) relegated to dwarf planet. GFC says: It was Darrell Hair (right) wot done it...

A spokesman for Pluto was unavailable for interview.

(Oh - I'd better get some political comment in there, hadn't I...)

GFC says: "This Pig's dinner over Pluto only serves to illustrate the failings of Blair's Britain."

Meanwhile, in Entertainment, win tickets to see MC Hammer live at the Colchester Auditorium on October 9th by entering our competition on page 36 of this month's GFC Living.

The Hammer: should he be a bigger part of GFC? YOU decide!

Charles Peters

2006-08-26T15:01:00.000-07:00

Oh Snakes alive!

Is this man to follow me to my grave!

You can only wonder at my horror in discovering that we'd been reviewed by Peters. He's poked his nose into everything I've done. I feel it would be reasonable for me to lay open some of my dealings with him.

I'm unsure of the precise origin of his hatred for me. How could a man be jealous of a soft toy? Perhaps it's because I am an artist, while he is only a critic.

An early memory comes from almost 20 years ago. I had just been elected East Anglian Young Webdesigner of the Year, 1986. The principle project I had been working on, and that led to my election, had received a bad review from one of Peters' colleagues. Regretably, I took some pleasure in my vindication during my acceptance speech. He has never let me forget this.

We were to clash again at a Webfare dinner in 2003. Unfortunately, I had been placed at the same table as Peters. I'm not proud of my actions. Under heavy verbal provocation, I'm afraid that I propelled a rye bread roll at him across the table. Events quickly descended into a full scale food fight. Now, being a soft toy, I was quickly at a disadvantage. Peters easily buried me in mashed potato - a food he well knows I dislike. However, I found my range with a well aimed creme brulet. Security, and then the police wanted to talk to me, and I found myself in the position I am today: estranged from the webdesign business.

I feel I had the last laugh, though. While I'm fully machine washable at 60 degrees, Peters had to take his kilt and suit jacket to the dry cleaners.

Dinky

Further communication from WR:TW

2006-08-24T22:23:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, I contacted Natalia Wurnz, editor of WR:TW with regards their review of our website reproduced in the previous post. I said that I felt the review was unjustly harsh, particularly given that Garlic's Food Clinic has been in existence for less than a week. I also pointed out that I was unsure whether Charles Peters would be able to write an objective review given his previous dealings with Dinky.

Ms Wurnz replied promptly, reminding me that the internet is a place of free speech, that GFC is in the public domain and that anyone is welcome to an opinion. It looked like a form letter. However, she further reminded me that the terms and conditions that admit reproduction of content from their website stipulate that it must be done so in a sans serif font, because it's more "up to date". I have edited my previous post to conform to this.

I won't waste your time by reproducing her entire e-mail here, but some people might be interested to see the blog writing guide she attached for my edification.

How to write a blog by WR:TW's staff writers

Writing a blog is a very simple occupation if a few guidelines are followed.

Thought provoking comment. You probably blog because you want others to hear what you as an individual think. A list of original thoughts is available on our webpage for guidance.
Books. You can list the books that you read. These can be fairly obscure, as no one really cares about books anymore. However, the point is that you will not appear impressive to your reader unless you have read trendier books than them, or, at the very least, trendier magazines and newspapers. Try picking some random ones off Amazon. Just remember that everyone's read White Teeth by Zadie Smith by now.
Music. Music is important. You're best off taking a track listing from WR:TW, or other bona fide "cool" website. Music need not affect your opinion in general. The main thing is that you are aware of more of the latest tunes than most, and are somehow improved by that knowledge.
Photos, photos, photos... Photos. If you can't write, then you can still take pictures of your world. The most effective are of children (particularly Tom's first day at school/trip to the park/&c), pets, holidays (remember - you should be cynical about certain destinations that seem exotic, but others may well have also visited, the Pyramids are a good example), arts and crafts and political demonstrations. Photos are a big part of showing your reader that your life is better than theirs.
And finally... Links! This is particularly important for the political life of your blog. A blogger in Britain, for example, should link to an article in the Guardian ideally every few days. (The blogger is expected to be in mild agreement with the article.) You can also link to your own friends, although don't do this if they don't profess to read suitable books or listen to the recommended music. And please link to WR:TW - your font of all things hip in the web world! (Although, again, please don't do this if you don't read suitable books or listen to the recommended music.)

best wishes from the staff at WR:TW

NB: We are currently in the process of beta testing a piece of proprietary software that will produce blog entries automatically without the need for input from the user. Please watch our website for updates.

Review on WR:TW

2006-08-24T19:29:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, it appears that somebody has been reading this blog. I received a courtesy email from Website Review: The Website telling me that we'd been rated. It's not encouraging reading, sadly, although this may have something to do with the reviewer being Charles Peters, an old acquaintance of Dinky's from his webdesign days. I reproduce the review below with the permission of WR:TW.

Review of Garlic's Food Clinic

This is one of the worst, possibly the worst blog I have read since I began reviewing them some two years ago.

Let us get the positives out the way to begin with. The kindest thing I can say about Garlic's Food Clinic is that it is absolute crap. It is perhaps the most empty-headed, banal, ill-thought out, illogical, groundless nonsense ever to be saved on a disc drive. If anything, the dry, leaden, needlessly repetitive and often malapropic prose is a blessing, as it prevents the casual reader from appreciating the appallingly pointless content.

As to particulars, I was in no way surprised to find the names Dinky Deer and Dave Antares associated with this rubbish. Dinky has a habit of finding himself involved in the very worst and least imaginative projects. As for Antares, I wouldn't trust him with a keyboard anymore than a cat with a canary. Perhaps left to his own devices, Hugo Lambert would have written an average blog. Somehow, I doubt it, however: his invitations to Deer and Antares show extremely poor judgement.

Regular readers of Website Review: The Website or Website Review: The Magazine will know that a good blog consists of certain components. He or she will also recognise that none of them are present here. Granted, the authors do discuss the political commentary, photographs and recipes that must be posted, but they singularly fail to present them. If they are not sufficiently discouraged to discontinue their blogging, and I hope they are, Lambert and co. might also consider posting what music they are listening to, what books they are reading and www links of interest. Of course, and here's the trick, we are not interested to hear what they are interested in. We want them to post what is expected of them. I want to hear that the blogger reads the Guardian, that he listens to Belle and Sebastian and that he has left leaning politics, although I want to understand that he is in no way intending to live his own life by them.

Not to say that some personal content isn't allowed in a blog. An occasional rant is, unfortunately in my opinion, an accepted part of blogging. Just make sure that you flag it as such, as I don't want to read it.

In summary, then, writing a blog is simple. Garlic's Food Clinic is a cyberspace disaster that fails to satisfy on any level.

Charles Peters

Cat photo

2006-08-21T21:36:00.000-07:00

Hi All. Antares here.

I've been trying to pull together some of the content we need to get this blog on the road. Now, I can't knit, and my cookings fairly embarrassing, so I thought I'd try to get some photos of babies and cats. Combining them with an (admittedly synthetic) heart warming story will then provide the kind of thing we're aiming at. Anyway, let me know what you think.

What with copyright being what it is on other people's photos, I went out and about this morning with my camera. First, I had a pop at getting some babies. This turned out to be generally unpopular. In the end, I only succeeded in getting this picture of someone's hand. This gentleman was with a baby, but I guess that's not quite what we're looking for. In the end, I was forced to abandon the project, as I was moved on by a policeman.

Turning my attention to the local cat population, I met with little more success. Cats, it turns out, are quite camera shy. I chased one round the block. Unfortunately, with my view of the street obscured by my camera, I tripped over. The camera went off as I fell, allowing me to get the following shot. Again, maybe not quite what we're looking for, but I can assure you that
that really is a cat in the photo.

Oh - and now for the heart warming prose.

"Today I sat out in the garden with Molly our cat. She's been such a comfort since the kids left home. Here she is playing with a feather she found. She didn't catch the bird, of course - she wouldn't hurt a fly!"

There. Not bad, eh.

I might try bringing some catnip next time. I've twisted my ankle, though, so nothing for at least a couple of days.

Dave

Monkey Man

2006-08-20T20:54:00.000-07:00

Hi Fellas!

Wow - I leave this page alone for 24 hours and return to find a learned discussion on cosmology already in progress.

Dinky - although I find your idea about time reversal as an assistance to storytelling a little far-fetched, I do know of one example where this has actually happened. The Specials 1979 track Monkey Man was written as a tribute to Stone Roses frontman Ian Brown. However, the Stone Roses were all but unheard of until about 1984, as far as I'm aware, and Brown himself would have been barely 16 in 1979. Hence, The Specials probably first encountered Brown sometime during the mid-1980s and decided to retrospectively release Monkey Man some 5 years earlier. The track itself hints at this:

"I never saw you, I only heard of you, huggin up the big monkey man"

Obviously, they had never seen Brown in 1979, but they had somehow heard of him - allowing the production of track. And if we are, perhaps understandably, unbelieving, they assure us that:

"It's no lie, it's no lie, Them a tell me, You huggin up the big monkey man"

Why they would choose to release a song five or so years earlier than the actual date of composition is unclear. Perhaps they had an urgent gas bill to pay and needed five years of royalties immediately.

The same argument could be made for the Rolling Stones even earlier song, also entitled Monkey Man, which was released in 1969. The lyrical evidence, however, is inconclusive.

*Amazingly*, no one seems to have picked up on all this.

Anyway, Dinky, I recommend you get in touch with the Specials immediately.

I'm not quite sure where we're going with this blog, but I'm satisfied enough so far. We've not yet posted any of the trendy political comment, recipe ideas, knitting patterns, cat or baby photos found on other blogs, but I'm confident we'll provide this kind of stuff soon.

Sun, Moon and stars

2006-08-20T19:33:00.000-07:00

Really, David, you mustn't believe everything you read on the internet!

On the other hand, it's perfectly acceptable to believe everything you read in books, as there have been books for hundreds of years.

Which inspires me to answer your question about how the moon stays in the sky. I have been reading Tom Weller's classic text, Science made stupid. This is what he had to say regarding celestial mechanics:

"The moon can't fall down because it is in orbit. An orbit is the interaction of a combination of forces - such as gravity, inertia, centrifugal force and others - that result in a perfect balance."

Recently, it has been pointed out that gravity, like evolution, is only a theory. I think Weller was aware of this because he continues:

"Nevertheless, it is a good idea to stay indoors as much as possible."

Hmm. I've been thinking about the layout of this website. I know I promised myself - as well as the court system - I'd never go back to computing. Still, I notice that in a blog, the posts run most recent first, and then back in time down the page. That it makes it rather difficult to follow the thread. I suppose the reader could turn their computer upside down, but then bits might fall off and the letters will also be upside down. An alternative might be to reverse the passage of time, so that the posts appear in the opposite order. I'm not sure if this is possible, however - I can find nothing on it in Tom Weller's book.

Or maybe I could just try smearing Oil of Olay on the computer screen. No, that didn't work either. (Although the appearance of wrinkles and fine lines has been somewhat reduced.)

Dinky

Antarctica debunked

2006-08-20T13:09:00.000-07:00

Hi, Dave Antares here. I suppose it's my turn to post.

I'm sure I need no introduction to those with an interest in motorsports, having been a founder member of Barry Boyz Racing - the team that brought the diesel engine to rally driving.

More recently, like everyone, I've begun to take an interest in the internet. It's amazing what you can find out from just a few minutes surfing.

I thought I'd start by sharing what I've learned about the Earth itself. Put simply, it's flat. I mean, I can't believe I've never thought about it before. I'd been happy just to accept established science. But the internet has opened my eyes, convinced me to trust my own instincts. I've travelled. I've lived in the world.

Being from East Anglia, I've frequently visited the fens. One can see for miles - and they're certainly flat.
I've been to the southern hemisphere. If the Earth was round, I would most have fallen off - along with the millions tonnes of sea water apparently "clinging" to the bottom face of the planet.

In reality then, the Earth is shaped something like the United Nations symbol. (Come to think of it, this is probably the reason the symbol was drawn the way it is in the first place.) The traditional spherical view runs into more and more problems the further south we go. Eventually, we reach Antarctica - if indeed it does exist - evidently a continent in crisis, strung out as it must be around the entire edge of the planet. I suppose it must be a fiction. I confess to being dissapointed, as I had wanted to visit one day.

In general, though, I feel empowered - no longer relying on others to form my view of the world, although I'm still unsure how the Sun and Moon stay up there.

Dave

A new start

2006-08-19T23:27:00.000-07:00

Hello,

I thought I'd introduce myself to everyone.

My name is Dinky, and I'm a former web designer from Colchester in the UK. You probably remember me from websites such as Traction engine review and This week in BETAMAX video.

Nowadays, I occupy myself as a greengrocer selling fruit and vegetables. It is, perhaps, less, shall we say, cutting edge than website design, but it's a safe job, and I'm satisfied serving the community day to day.

Although the Dinky Webdesign company is now defunct, I've kept in touch with and become friends with my former client Dave Antares - hence my presence on this webpage. Those of you who know my earlier relationship with him may wonder why. I suppose I found out something about myself. I just couldn't walk away. Partly, I think, because I've got a heart, and partly because I'm a soft toy and am, under most circumstances at least, unable to walk.

In any case, it's good to be onboard.

They've cancelled FOX kids TV this morning

2006-08-19T11:48:00.000-07:00

Oh god, I can't believe I'm actually doing this. Formerly, I agreed entirely with the concept of the blog free zone, believing that a blog is just something that fills harddrives. But then, I don't actually have to read anything I don't want to, do I. And I have started reading the blogs of people I'm interested in. Granted, the Earth may increasingly be a Garth Marenghi among planets - having written more than it's read. But it's no more my right to object to that than it is to inflate my own sense of importance by imagining that people might actually read this.

I'm told that writing a webblog is good for one's writing in general. And I could do with that. And if I don't tell anyone where it is, then no one will have to read it. Plus they've cancelled ULTIMATE MUSCLE this morning, leaving a hole in my life.

Perhaps this will be my last ever post. Perhaps I'll be found dead on this sofa in three weeks having written 50,000 words.

Anyway, I've asked my friend Dave Antares and his publisher / webdesigner Dinky to join me on this site. I hope this adds to the colour of the thing.